Lessening the pressure valve.
This last year has given me several opportunities to choreograph again. The first piece I decided to tackle -after 12 years in hiatus to focus on other life things - was pretty difficult. Getting start was hard. Remembering how to let my body show me the way vs forcing the choreograph was hard. Perfectionism was hard. Blocks were hard. Self-doubt, insecurity, vulnerability was hard.
But I still wanted so deeply to express something in me that was longing to be externalized through movement. So, I showed up eery time it was hard. Honestly, that wasn’t easy either. SO many times I have thought about choreographing and I just flat out gave up, feeling nothing I had to share was quite good enough. Truth be told, I don’t always have the intrinsic drive to push through when things get hard, and even when I do, it can be hard to push through, but I am glad I did this time.
Becoming Local was a capturing of my social experience moving to Bozeman. This community was a hard one to break into. People have typically been either locals or hard core nature athletes. Today the art community is actually quite strong and growing, but when I arrived, it felt below the surface and it took time for it to bubble up. This dance piece showcased the disconnect we can feel even when we are literally right next to one another, and how that doesn’t have to be the end of the story. That if we keep moving through the disconnection, we can find a place where we belong.
But that’s not the point of this post, I just needed a visceral moment of remembering what a cool experience that was to create. :)
Historically when I cannot muster enough internal motivation for something, I have tended to just let an idea go. “If it was meant to be, it would flow.” There is absolutely some truth to this, but what this mentality also does is create a lot of pressure on 1. the outcome to be just right, and 2. for all the right pre-requisites to be in place in order to move (internally and externally). I don’t have to tell you how difficult it is to wait for that “perfect” moment for that “perfect” expression…
Since the creation of this piece I decided to keep going. To choreograph MORE. What has emerged is this insight that the more I create, the less pressure there is on each piece I create. The more I create, the more moments I have to express nuance and play with different weird shit and just let it be artistic exploration. The more I create, the better I get.
Duh, but also…hell ya!
The antidote to perfectionism and alleviating the pressure of having to create the “best anything” is to keep experimenting. Keep moving. Keep creating. Keep trying. Not holding on too tightly to any one execution. The portfolio enables the emergence of the beauty. And sometimes there’s that one piece that just hits you in the soul. But even if there isn’t that one piece that hits you in the soul, the collection of expressive moments can actually create their own ephemeral impact that could never be possible with the pressure cooker of trying to create that ONE INCREDIBLE THING. I’ll tell you, you may be waiting a while - I know I was.
I still love feeling into the anecdote of sensing the flow of something that is ready to emerge (or not). However, I am done waiting (at the expense of living my life) for the “perfect” moments and instead am inviting myself to allow more life to come alive through me at any moment.
This year has taught me that the more I express, the more I show up, the more I connect, the more I play, the less pressure any one moment has to hold. And in reverse, when I am noticing the pressure valve pulsating, I now invite myself to duplicate my efforts a few more times and see how that impacts that one moment. So far, it has created a ton more balance. And more beauty. And more play.
What are you ready to experiment more with?
