EYES OPEN OR CLOSED?

At dusk the forest has many secrets to tell.

Slowly unfolding into the darkness of night, waiting for the rain of the moon to wash over me, I sit waiting for my life to begin again.

In the darkness is where I have historically felt most comfortable.

Here, I can make-up whatever prose might convince me to take another step without having to see what is truly there.

When I close my eyes and hold them tight, I feel a false sense of control.

They cannot get me.

…

I lived this way for many years. Barely squinting to the life around me. Hoping the darkness would keep me unscathed from the ways of the world.

Until I heard a quiet voice whisper curiously.

Does closing your eyes truly keep you from what you fear in the darkness outside?

Or are you simply holding yourself prisoner in a different type of darkness?

Which is worse?

A perceived evil you cannot see that may not be scary at all…or the truth, which might be full of pain and more beauty than you could possibly imagine.

I know now that our nervous system will almost always choose a familiar hell to an unfamiliar heaven.

Perceived safety is an addictive beast.

But it’s a beast worth slaying.

So, I sit at the cross roads.

How long will I stay here?

To open my eyes to the truth.

To the world.

Might be the most wondrous delight I could ever imagine - or the worst nightmare I could ever have dreamed up. And I’ve experienced so many nightmares, why risk more?

Because for some reason, I hear that voice again reminding me that I have somehow gotten through everything that was ever thrown my way. All the “worst case scenarios” showed up for me as a youthful teen, full of an unmatched zest for life, and then the door opened to the atrocities of the real world. Atrocities I didn’t feel ready for. Atrocities that slammed the door to the outside world in my face as the house collapsed around me.

Yet, here I am. Still breathing. Still standing. Still curious.

Somehow.

Maybe the only thing left for me is to open my eyes.

…

There came a day when I was lulled by the mushroom man and he said to me,

Your fears are not yours. If you want to open your eyes, then open them and see the beauty that was meant for you. I felt immediately suffocated by the self-imposed darkness. By the heaviness that it took to keep my eyes and my body shut off - from life, from love, from aliveness, from wisdom.

The ease that once came with keeping my eyes shut to my own darkness became a burden I could no longer bear.

As the tears streamed down my face I was no longer sad or afraid. I cried lakes and rivers and oceans for all the eyes that remained shut to the reality of the world. Tears of life times passed and life times to come. Tears that honored the exhaustion of wondering and waiting for the day when I would let myself see.

I felt the hands of an angel touch my shoulder and say, “I love you.”

I felt the hands of a fellow sister hold my face and kiss my tear-soaked cheeks.

I felt this sisterhood rise within and around me, reminding me that my strength is theirs and theirs mine and that we can open our eyes now. We can handle what is here.

And as the sun rose I saw to my horror the normalcy of humanity.

The pain and the greed.

The love and the kindness. All of it.

All mashed up into one melting pot of a universe.

I was finally willing to look.

At every inch. Every breath.

To unfurl to the reality before me.

…

The darkness holds an allure that’s always pulling at my coat.

But my eyes allow me to see it for what it truly is now.

It is no longer a dream.

So I allow the night to unfold with my eyes open. Facing the pain, fear, and the beauty that is all around me.

True darkness holds in it the fullness of life, but only if we learn to open our eyes to it.

The darkness that exists behind closed lids is a false narrative that cycles in on itself until we are disoriented and overwhelmed by the loss of a life time of reality. But now I know the remedy.

To brace myself.

And open my eyes.

REFLECTION:

Where in your life are you closing your eyes tight?

What are you unwilling to see?

What would make you feel safe enough to start to open your eyes to the truth?

What would be available to you if you were able to open your eyes?

*this is not an invitation to rush into the unknown dangerously and unsupported. we are ready when we are ready. sometimes the time comes in our own right and other times we need support to help us to get there safely and see clearly again. take your time and trust your heart.